Friday, 2 April 2010

Report: After 142 Episodes of Yugioh

142.

In alot of contexts 142 could be an impressive number. Perhaps you read 142 books? Maybe you wrote 142 reports? Found 142 new spices? Saved 142 lives?

Me and my friends have watched 142 episodes of Yugioh.

Ok, clearly I need to put this into context, so that you understand the gravity of this matter.

First, Yugioh is a children's cartoon from japan. It is about a card game. Now the important thing to note reader is since this is a children's show it has be exciting and shiny in order to draw in the attention of the wee kiddies. So as you can imagine many of the cards come to life, and magic is involved.

Now while I was in Malaysia I actually got a hold of the entire series of yugioh, which is over 200 episodes long. This is a double edged sword. On the one hand I everything there is super cheap and I bought the whole thing for like £10-20.... But there is another price a normal tourist would not be aware of. Anime from Malaysia usually comes in it's original language, so the entire series is in Japanese, but so far this is a good thing... cause it's not been edited (the English version of yugioh was edited very heavily, like the guns were taken out... and the insanity). Luckily it comes with subtitles... But reader... English is not a Malaysians first language... if they know it at all in some cases.... This is important to note for later.

Ok, so I need you to try and picture this scene in your mind. There are two people standing apart from each other just like a scene from the wild west, but instead of guns they have these big metal/plastic things on their arms. These things on their arm holds their deck, and one of the contenders draws a card and places it onto one of the five slots attached to the thing. Now a holographic image of a monster appears.

It is pretty scary, but don't worry... no one is in any real danger.

His opponent also draws and begins putting cards down, and the game begins proper. One of the player gets attacked by one of the monsters and falls down from the blow even though it's a hologram. The sound Tch is heard often.

Now the players are encircled by a dark cloud of vile power, and it soon becomes clear that the players very souls re on the line. The monsters are no longer holograms and are now very real. All seems lost, but then a light shines... a light called friendship... and good wins over evil.

You got it pictured right? Now imagine them explaining the rules of this game in a language you don't know. Alright, now imagine you have a translator with you. The bad guy says something at one of the women in the group of friends and you look to your translator. He smiles back at you and says "He's saying they have to burn her cause she's pregnant".

Ok, your worried now.... I can understand this, but stay where you are! You can get through this!

For awhile you just stand there, trying to make sense of the situation before you. To your horror and relief you release that the translator meant to say possessed... and merely confused the two words... because in a way... they are vaguely similar in meaning.

Now reader.... I want you to imagine this scene going on for 28 hours, and you will have barely scratched the surface of suffering I have put myself and my friends through. Malaysia does this funny thing when it subtitles something.... they get it wrong.... but in a hilarious and brain damaging way.

A couple of days ago me and my friends watched a film that was terrible. I can't really describe to you you how terrible this film was.... But let me try and sum it up... There was at least 1 hour of the same chase/murder scene repeating over and over, and at least 10 to 20 mins of song. I did that to my friends, just imagine what I do to people I don't like? Anyway, the point is... my friends who had not watched Yugioh were appalled and sicked, and swore (Again) eternal hatred for me... while my friend who had watched Yugioh with me found it rather amusing.

What I'm trying to get at here is that these subtitles have made me and my friends immune to psychological torture. Barny song 24 hours a day? Ha! I'll sing along. Waking me before I sleep? Ha! I can never sleep again.

Don't believe me? Here's a little preview.... and this isn't even the worst example, the subtitler actually changes every now and again and this was one of the better ones:
video
The best example so far is whenever the Blue eyes white dragon appears. Now you can see its blue... they even say its name in English, yet all the subtitlers are entirely convinced that it's Green eyes white dragon.... and 142 episodes of the contrary have not deterred them from this.

That's kinda easy to deal with, but when they start using words that don't even fit it begins to kill your mind. Its not just that the subtitles themselves are totally insane, it's also because the series is as well. It's well F***ed up and one of my friends favorite games now is to say "This is a kids show!" whenever something really disturbing happens.

I have in my possession 72 hours of this. Me and my friends have to psychically take this in dosages. So far we've raised our tolerance to about 3 hours, any more and our sanity begins to crack.

I bring this up because this not something you'll find on the Internet, no these days you actually have to be good at subtitling to get anywhere on the web. This my readers is a sealed treasure, cursed by ancient monks and condemned by the Pope... and only the truly devote may look upon it. I feel one day I will do a charity event... I shall gatherer volunteers and people will give us money to watch this non-stop for a number of hours... depending on the donations.

Your probably wondering, that doesn't sound to bad for me... after all I bought and watched it willingly.... Well the friends who have watched it also did so willingly... I have other friends who have walked out of the room because it was on. Imagine what it would be like to force someone to watch this against their will and better judgement.... in the name of charity....

Now that, I would most certainly pay to see.

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