Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Lets Play The Warriors of Heaven and Earth: Part 1

DM: Long ago in ancient china a battle of good verses evil became legend....

DM: These are the tales of... The Warriors of Heaven and Earth!

DM: You find yourself wondering through the desert-

Lai Xi: Hey, can I be a samurai?

DM: What? No! This is ancient china, not ancient japan.

Lai Xi: Oh come on, I already put his race down as Japanese anyway.

DM: Eh... Errh... Fine whatever.

DM: As you look across the sun scorched-

Lai Xi: Also he's a bounty hunter.

DM:.... Why would a Japanese bounty hunter be in china?

Lai Xi: I dunno, your the DM.

DM: Grh. Fine. You work for the Chinese government.

Lai Xi: Alright-

DM: But they won't let you go back to Japan, and you have to look after your daughter all the time... and your f***ing miserable.

Lai Xi: Awww.....

*New Player*: Can I join in now?

DM: Yeah, what's your character?

Li: He's lieutenant Li of the Chinese army.

DM: Oh alright that actually fits in well-

Li: But his fellow soldiers were corrupt and evil! He killed like six of them and became an outlaw!

DM: What? No!

Lai Xi: As a bounty hunter I make it my life's goal to hunt down Li!

DM: Wait, did you guys plan this ahead?

Lai Xi:.... Yeah we kinda did.

DM: You could have fricken told me before I started the game!

DM: Whatever... Ermm... Lai, you and your daughter find yourself in a seedy town looking for Li-

Lai Xi: Can I see him?

DM: No!
DM: Anyway, as your about to enter the inn you see a thug attacking a young man for some reason, what do you do?

Lai Xi: Alright, I turn to him, and I punch his sword out of his hand.

DM: What? How are you gonna pull that off?

Lai Xi: Oh I took some Monk levels too.

DM:... Fine, but the chances are still pretty l-

Lai Xi: Boom! Natural twenty!

DM: A man behind you claps a bit and comments-

Lai Xi: Is it Li?

DM: No!

Lai Xi: Ah! It must be a villain! I throw my Katana through his neck!

DM: Shut up! No you don't! You go into the inn and you go to sleep!

Lai Xi: What on the floor?

DM:.... Yes on the floor!

DM: Meanwhile a column of soldiers are leading a group of monks through a desert-

*New Player*: Oh, this is where I come in?

DM: Yeah, what's your characters name?

*New Player*: Urr... Dunno.... Just call him Jake.

DM:.... You can't be called Jake your Chinese....

Jake: Nah it's totally cool, I took the half-European template.... But I still look Chinese.

Lai Xi: Hey, does this mean were getting a small army and a bunch of Monks?


DM: They all die in a sandstorm.

DM: Except Jake who has to live with the fact all his friends are dead.

Jake: Aww, I'm sad now....

DM: Over the dune a mysterious figure-

Lai Xi: Is it Li?

DM: Yes it's f***ing Li!

Li: I make a cool check!

DM: What?

Li: I want to make a check to see how awesome I look.

*Rolls a 4*

DM: You trip, cause your a tard....

Jake: Oh shit, am I like the cleric? Do I heal him?

DM: What? How do you not know?

Jake: To be honest I haven't filled out my sheet yet.... But I'll roll a heal check...

DM:... Look you cant roll until you have a character sheet, ok?

Jake: Fine, I go over to any surviving Camels and kill one.

DM: What?

Jake: I then drain it's blood into a bowl.

DM: Why the hell would you do that?

Jake: Urr, cause camels have fast healing 1? Duh? I feed the blood to Li.

DM:..... He chokes on it cause it's f***ing camel blood!

DM:... Anyway, along with the camels you find one of the monks survived the sandstorm as well and you all start-

Lai Xi: Am I there too?


Monday, 28 June 2010

Hype: Anime Summer 2010

Oh boy, it's that time of year again, where everyone decides to not watch anime because it's terrible.

Some of you might be wondering why I've stopped doing heroman and I'm following the terrible Tokko now, the reason is because heroman is very boring right now. Basically Joey's on the run from the government, because governments are always paranoid and hate the idea of fun super powers. I read in some forums of people actually enjoying this arc in the story.... I'm sorry, but they are incorrect.

When you have the government join into your super power storyline it is always the worst part, cause it takes away that fantasy... there's always this tremendous temptation to make your series a bit more real and 'gritty' when you start playing with the government story. This is a terrible idea, because your a show about fun.... people watch you so they don't have to think about hard decisions in the government. It happened with Heroes, and that's when it became shit.

Frankly I liked Kogorr's idea of government. He never told anyone what to do, he'd just crush your home for no reason at all.


Highschool of the Dead

Potentially good, since I've read the manga. But when you get down to it, some bits are fairly ridiculous, and some bits.... Look, I found out the artist also does pron (You would not believe how hard it was to get a *safe* image) sooo..... yeah you can kinda see it in his non-porn work.

Seikimatsu Occult Gakuin

At some point in your life you have to ask yourself, am I a weirdo?

If you watch this anime, you have already answered that question.

Nurarihyon no Mago
Read the manga of this too actually. Id say this is the safe bet. It's pretty generic, nothing new, but it won't do you wrong.

It's about a demon boy who doesn't like demons! Wacky I know.

Asobi Ni Iku Yo
The story centers around Kio Kakazu , a high school freshman living in Okinawa. During a memorial service for one of his family ancestors. A mysterious girl with cat ears appears before him introducing herself as Eris and claiming that she is an alien. However She be more troubling than he first realizes.

I Hate you Japan. I Hate you so much. It's not even funny.

The Legend of the Legendary Heroes

Are.... what? Are you serious? That's a mis-translation right?

No... Nope... That's.... That's the actual title....

...... I Hate you Japan.

God, maybe China was right to ban all foreign influences.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010


Man I'm getting pretty sick of their shit.

It's not that I dislike Ni- No wait... No I do dislike them, intensely. I don't mind the fact that many of their games are for kids (Since when did that become a bad thing?) I... accept that for some reason (I'm willing to blame ancient sea monsters at this point) people actually like the Wii (And can take that name seriously... I... I still haven't gotten over it, I laugh every time I hear it) but what I do mind is....

Why do you only make the same goddamn games?!

I played a Mario game, I played the very hard Donkey Kong and Mario game (At least... It was hard when I was a kid) and I've played two Zelda games.

I physically can not do it again.

If you tried to make me play any of these again, I would probably react as if someone had stuffed cobras into my mouth. I would be greatly displeased.

It's not the games are bad, I'm sure there very good (Since many people love them) its just... this... whole retconing the setting for every game... I cannot handle it. Or just not adding anything at all to the setting... It's my f***ing poison.

I mean I had a look over the now old Nds games, since it should be cheap by now. What did I find? A whole punch of the same goddamn crap! I can't do it!

It's werid cause you have cases of Okami or Little Big planet, which when you get down to it... are the same as Zelda and Mario. Yet with a different coat I fully accept it.

It's just.... Your everything I hate in storytelling Nintendo....

P.S. Why the hell is it called Zelda? One of the games I played didn't even have her in it? It's like Guin Saga all over again.

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Lets Watch Tokko: Part 3

Shindo: Be honest with me Doc, do I have the cancers?

Doctor: No... Look.... This is a tattoo, not like liver spots or something...

Shindo: But it magically appeared!

Doctor: .... Tell me do you drink?

Shindo: Well yeah-

Doctor: Then mystery f***ing solved.

Shindo: Well I guess I feel better... The Doc did take a blood sample just in case... so nothing should go wrong.


Doctor: Oh my good god! He has every cancer known to man!

Shindo: Ooohh this building looks interesting, I'm gonna break in.

I think Shindo may be in the wrong line of work, cause someone needs to explain to him that as a policemen is not ok to break into places.

Shindo: Oh hey Sak, I found your super secret hospital.... that's literally across the street from the normal hospital.... who's that?

Sak: My brother.... He was attacked by a demon during the first incident, he's been in a coma ever since...

Shindo: Oh yeah... Cause you used to live near me back in the day.... How the hell did I forget that? Your like the only person I know with red hair?

(I hate this, anime does it alot.... but its basically selective amnesia that serves no other purpose then showing how stupid the writers are)

Assistant: Oh boy, I wonder where this blood subplot is going? Imagine the interesting things that could be explored!

He is then killed and turned into a zombie, because Tokko hates subplots.

Everyone who saw the blood is then turned into a zombie and killed by Sak, because Tokko likes to thoroughly murder any and all subplots.

That's the entire episode, so little happens in this whole bloody series.

Shindo: Hey there, I'm glad were having a date episode and getting away from the main plot for once.

Ha! No!
Shindo: So you work in forensics.... but you study ancient books.... that doesn't strike you as odd?

Plot Women: Not really....

Plot Women: But yeah the books from Italy.... it speaks of alchemists using demons to turn lead into gold Oohhhoo!

Shindo: I knew it! It was the Italians all along!

Plot Father: Daughter! Take him away! This is not for his eyes!

Plot Women: But dad-

Plot Father: No buts!

Later at night Shindo meets the big demon that spawns the zombie bugs, and gets his ass handed to him.

But look at that! His tattoo has magic Kanji powers! Then the demon runs away.

This is actually something that has always bothered me. Why would magic take the form of words? It would be like summoning a shield with a big glowing stop sign on it.... It doesn't look cool, it looks ridiculous. Do people in Japan think it looks silly? I hope they do, cause it does.

Friday, 18 June 2010

Game Review: Duels of the Planeswalkers

Being a magic fan I feel i am both best and the most ill suited at reviewing this.... so were going to disregard that for a moment.... and instead...

As a yugioh fan I feel I am best suited to review this new card game for your pc or xbox.

The game focus on the card game Magic: The Gathering by giving you a number of decks you can play with and unlock. The idea is the more you play the more cards you unlock to add to the decks.

Now those of you who enjoy this game may want to turn away, as I am about to say some mean things that will distress you. Keep in mind though at £7 I don't feel too badly ripped off, and I still enjoy the game.... but it has certain problems.

First lets go over what's good about the game:

* Very good for new players of Magic to learn the rules
* A good place for veterans who no longer have time or money to carry on playing normally
* And it has online play

I am afraid that is it. Unless you are new to magic or you really just want a casual game with no strings attached, then this is not for you.

Now the main complaint people have against the game is the fact that you can not change the decks, which normally is part of the main point of a card game. While I see where their coming from, and note certain cards I would like to remove, I think this can be argued as actually something good.... because at least in this game everyone is on equal footing and you don't need to worry about people ruining the game and winning in like turn 1 or 2.

The lack of an actual storyline strikes me as more lazy then anything else, I know not every ones too interested in the actual settings of magic (I barely know much of it myself), but you could at least supply a deeper context to the duels rather then a short sentence or two.

Laziness actually seems to be one of the main things hurting the game, since you can instantly tell that the pc version is a straight rip of the xbox. Because of this the game actually demands a massive amount of processing power for its AI, while normally fine on an xbox, will actually hurt quite a few Pc's. It's also buggy as hell. One thing I noticed, it has these massive borders covering the top and bottom of the screen with some sparkly background turning in the center.... but I've noticed sometimes during loading the top border goes away and you can actually see the background is just like a round room spinning... that seems lazy and stupid to me.

But James? What about the challenge mode? Lots of people love that?



I'll not call those people stupid, as that seems unfair.... No I call them deluded because those 14 challenges were retarded. Basically your given a set up where you have to win in a turn, so it's a puzzle, the problem lies in the fact that some of the answers are... well... kinda stupid. For example I was having trouble with the last one cause I couldn't quite do enough damage with my spells, so in my usual trail and error method I just attacked with all my creatures off-handily.

I beat it.... Cause the Ai didn't bother blocking one of them.... What? Are you kidding me? You beat that puzzle cause your enemy is retarded? ERRRRRR.

Overall they were simple, sort of.... take some time but easy to do puzzles.

Now you may be wondering why I mentioned yugioh a little while ago, and that is because they already made a game like this magic one awhile ago... its gone through some changes but is largely the same now.

It basically does everything this game does, but 100 times better.

Off the bat you get over 2000 cards you can unlock and use to make your own deck, any deck you want, it has opponents of pure ball crushing pain to test your deck, the Ai is so simple and yet comes off as an actual asshole and not just a machine, and has hundreds of puzzles and challenges that will make you cry. Finally its just a gameboy/Ds game, so you can play it anywhere.

I mean.... wtf? Duels of the Planeswalkers is by no means a failure.... it's just an embarrassment. Magic would like to get back to the days of lots of young people buying their product, but I think those days are largely past and I believe magic will always be a niche product.... frankly I think that's better. Instead of trying to grow, Magic should just try and keep a firm foot on it's current audience.... Cause in the entertainment market if you relie to much on a massive audience your actually setting yourself up for a fall.... a fall caused by your customers pushing you out of the way to get to the next big thing.

I find it deeply amusing, cause Magic players are usually considered mature, so you'd think smarter... but Yugioh players will laugh at you if you buy this game.

Luckily I don't know any so I dodged that bullet.

Friday, 11 June 2010

Anime: Saint Seiya

I have to apologies to Saint Seiya and any of it's fans. I was wrong, and I am very sorry.

Those of you familiar with anime may have heard of this one, but it was only recently that I actually watched any of it. The reason is simple, whenever you see anything about it you see pictures like this:I mean come on, that looks ridiculous.

So for a long time I convinced myself that Saint Seiya was like say.... power rangers or something, generally kind of tame and not interesting.

Holy shit, how wrong was I.

The anime starts like most others, with a booming voice telling us whats what, explaining that the world is guarded by powerful saints who fight for justice. How do you become a saint? Well that's easy, all you got to do is survive a brutal existence and kill pretty much everyone you come across.

Our main character is in a tournament to see who will become the Pegasus saint, and he wins by cutting his opponents ear off with his hand.... and then he breaks the atoms in his bones with his fists... I mean.... Holy shit.

Another one become a saint because he kills Bears. That's just what he did all day, he'd go out in the forest looking for wood, lift up bears and strangle them to death, and then get some lunch. That was just his normal day.

Then you get the dragon saint, who kicked a waterfall up. Not just a bit of the water mind you, the whole f***ing thing went into reverse because he kicked it so hard.

So once the the saints get together, what do they do? Train for upcoming evil? Hang out? Work on team work? Nope, they attempt to brutally murder each other in a no rules tournament. And damn this anime hates hearts, if your in this anime there is a high chance that someone is going to try and punch the f*** out of it. Every episode there is regularly blood everywhere.

Now look at this guy:
Now you'd think he would be the wimp of the team. Let me tell you.... Out of all of them, this is guy I wouldn't want to fight. He is made out of crazy. I shit you not, he is off the wall mad and has no problem with murdering your ass. He was fighting one guy and was like "I'll take pity on you" and then proceeds to freeze the guy almost completely, basically saying he could have just frozen him forever.... but since he's so full of mercy he can just die instead.

Now it's not completely insane, the pink member is a total wuss, but this anime is brutal. If you use a move that leaves your heart open for just a second, some f***er is gonna put his fist through your heart....

I love it

Saturday, 5 June 2010

Lets Watch Tokko: Part 2

In 2006 a terrible cast of characters were sent to prison by a writers court for a crime they committed. These people promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Tokyo underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem (with Monsters), if no one else is bothered to help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire-

Kuni: You are not the A-Team!

Kureha: What? But we got like a truck and everything.

Kuni: OK, first, you weren't using it.... some weird hazmat team came out of it and took all the freaky evidence... and second!

Kuni: Are.... Are you like.... wearing anything at all?

Kure: Not really.

Kuni:... Ok.... I guess I'll be going then.... I think...

Shindo: So... hey... My names Shindo... *Oh god, quick think of something witty to say*.... I'll cya later.... *god damn it*

Sakura:.... Kay....
Suit: Yep, just as you thought Sir, all the evidence of those... face monster parasite things is gone... You really should of tried questioning more about what they were-

Kuni: Ah Ah Ah! I saw a little nipple! That conversation was gonna go nowhere.

Ichiro: So that pink haired girl is the one from your crazy dream?

Shindo: Yeah... She looked just like her.... oh yeah, I got to ask.... How are you alive? I saw one of those monsters backhand you across the stairs and over a railing?

Ichiro:... I.... I don't know... Well how come your alive? We saw them rip off limbs? Why was he choking you really slowly?

Shindo: I don't know... It's like were being guided by someone with no idea of what continuity is.

Kuni: Ok, what we got this time?

Officer: Urmm... It appears to be unkillble super hobo's.

Kuni: Huh, I thought as much.

Officer: What the f- no way is that regulation gear.

Kuni: See, this is why you should fill out the paper work...

Kuni: Hahahahahaha!

Zombie hobo: Errggee.... We want aid.... Ereger..

Kuni: No aid for you!

Kure: Saved the day!

Kuni: Damn it!

Shindo:.... What the hell is going on?

Shindo is confused because I have cut out so much from this and the last episode. The reason is because alot of it is totally unnecessary, there's a whole f***ing scene of Shindo going back to his childhood home to brood, literally nothing else happens. For those of you actually interested in the story (What is wrong with you?) I'll give a brief summary of the things I've skipped.

-Shindo's sister, while you'd think would be a main character is not. The reason being that main characters effect the overall plot... Shindo's sister has zero impact. Plus there's this whole brother X Sister thing going on that I am not touching with a ten foot pole (WTF is wrong with you japan?)

-For those of you who haven't guessed, Tokko is a secret group that fights monsters. This doesn't make any sense for a large number of reasons, the main one being that they seem to want to hide the existence of monsters. That's bullshit, sure there would be a slight panic, but you know what else there would be? A monster hotline (Tokko are basally looking for the big demon that's possessing all these people and turning them into zombies). Finally these monsters are not subtle... they literally rip people to pieces... and frequently... bullshit no one would notice, or that some of the police wouldn't mention it to anyone else.

-As for Shindo, he's a survivor of the first demon incident, but his parents and neighbours were not. He frequently has nightmares about that day... and I've started to find them funny, because screw Shindo. For some reason the zombies yell at him and say there gonna kill him.

That's basically the key points, there's a bunch of other stuff but it literally adds nothing other then wasted screen time.