Sunday, 31 January 2010

Lets Watch Viper's Creed: Part 5

Ahhh! That is not Norma's ass! Why would you do this! Ahhh!

Crowed: Oh boy, I bet this public speaking event is going to be off the hook.

Guard 1: Hey look at that, a giant robot... that's kinda odd.

Guard 2: It's probably nothing.

Company President: Hey everyone! I just got back from my daughters piano lesson, shes such an angel-

Crowed: OH MY GOD!

Guard 1: .....

Guard 2: FFFFFF***

Rudra: For the last time Har, I am not touching that hand.

Police: Rudra! Your under arrest!

Rudra: *Shit shit shit! They must have found the farm! This will teach me to invest in smooth talking drug dealers*

Police: Under arrest for murder!

Rudra: Oh thank god- wait what?

Police: We know you did it... That shot was over 2k long, only you could have pulled that off.

Rudra: Are... are you serious? I'm a suspect cause... I'm the only sniper you know? That's f***ing retarded man.

Police: So.... Your free now.... If you don't tell anyone that we beat you up we'll not tell anyone you have flash backs in high stress situations.

Rudra: Deal.

Police: Seriously that shit can ruin your psychological profile, no one will ever hire you.

Walter: Ok, the snipers still out there and were being paid to stop them.

Guy: Question, how are we going to find them?

Walter: Well it seems the sniper actually tells everyone who there going to shoot next, so all we have to do is-

Guy: wait? Seriously? Why are all are terrorists retarded?

Rudra: I knew it... It was you all along... Your the only other sniper that ever appears in this anime.

Rudra: Oh man.... did she just sleep with me so she could nick my stuff?

Moving on...

Rudra: Hang a second! Where did all my scenes go? Have you been skipping them James? Don't treat me like Norma! Give me my scenes!

Sigh, fine... Here's Rudra having a flashback, the women and him were partners in the war but she ran off to save his life blah blah blah.

Walter: Well the sniper's client has been arrested so that should take care of that.

Rudra: Noooo! I won't let the episode end like this!

Sak: Where's he going?

Saki:.... To go settle things....

Sak: Goddamn your plot powers Saki!

Rudra: I'll finish this.....

Bitch 2: Wait no! You can't shoot there! If you hit the tower the power to that entire area will go down?

Rudra: Damn it, then what can I do?

Sak: Saki! Saki! I know that look! Don't do it! I mean it Saki! Don't you dare-

Sak: Oh god damn it....

Saki: ....Sorry, my bad.

Rudra: I shall finish this in the time honored way of all snipers....

Rudra: BOOM! Headshot!

Sak: So.... Saki, what the hell happened this episode?

Saki: Well basically Rudra's old partner came down with a heavy case of post traumatic stress disorder and couldn't accept a world with no war... so she wanted Rudra to end it all.... Also you learn that Rudra's a bit messed up too cause all his partners tend to die.

Sak: Oh ok.... So why did James skip most of his scenes.

Saki: Cause he had like five f***ing flashbacks in one episode... I mean Christ, really? If you need that many flashbacks in a single episode to explain your backstory then your doing it wrong.... Plus he's boring as hell and no gives a crap about his feelings... I mean the next episode is Gar and he's kinda interesting.... but then we have the Har episode and god... I might just kill myself at that point.

Friday, 29 January 2010

Steam Games: Part 2

Mass Effect

I know what you’re thinking.... James where is the 2? Surely this is a review of the second game right? You wouldn’t review the first just as the second one is out would you? Only a total dweeb would do that. Well come closer, I have a clever retort for thee.

Monkeys told me to!

Anyway moving on, it’s the year future08 and mankind has moved into space where it met a bunch of aliens. We shot them, they shot us, we all laughed about it for awhile and now were on the fore front of being accepted into a small but powerful council at the heart of this space land. Some shit blows up and it’s your job to track down the culprit by... and I’m not joking... searching the entire galaxy for very vague clues as to his whereabouts.

Suffice it to say you don’t need me to tell you the story, because that’s half the fricken game and I’m sure you’d rather be playing it then reading about it. Anyway the shooting is fun, the abilities are cool, and for the love of god if it’s your first time playing pick the vanguard class... I’m serious... the others suck balls. A part of you has to enjoy rpg’s to get into this... it’s not about sorting through the equipment, only lazy people complain about that sort of thing, no you need to be the sort of gamer who actually looks forward to just talking to people... There were times in the game I just thought “Man, I hope this level is short so I can go talk to someone” if you come in with that mind frame you’ll probably enjoy the game alot. The shootings still fun though.


Something weird happened with my character, I made a woman (Don’t judge me) but for some reason she looked and acted exactly like Captain Janeway from star trek voyager... Hell I even convinced myself she sounded like Janeway. It wasn’t too bad for most of it, but I did get the short sex scene you can get... and... It was weird ok.

I didn’t like Ash. Whenever I went on a mission with her I’d be talking to an alien and right on cue... Ash opens her goddamn face. It’s like, I know I’m a cop but to alot of these aliens I’m representing the human race, so what sort of impression do I get hanging around Ash? After awhile I stopped bringing her racist ass on any missions. My super team was T (Screw you, I’m not going to try and say her name) and Wrex cause he was a badass. We all had shotguns. It was a blood bath.

Then near the end you have to decide, does Garry live (was that his name?) or does Ash? And I couldn’t stop laughing.

“Hahaha! You think your making me choose don’t you game? Hahaha! I bet you reckon I’m gonna sit here and think about this, Ha!” I could not press Garry fast enough. F*** you Ash, you’re a nice girl but a terrible person.

Overall the story was ace, I couldn’t really see any problems with it. Except one thing. Basically the bad guy’s plan is to raise an army so he can attack the big space centre and use it’s hidden function to summon forth a race of horrible death machines. In order for the attack to go really well he went around looking for clues to this teleporter that would take him close to where the control panel was, he burned like a whole planet to find one of these clues thus alerting everyone that he was a douche bag.

But the guy... was already a spectre, highest authority... so... couldn’t he have just snuck into the main control panel while most people were asleep? Maybe use a small elite team to hold it until enough death machines come through? Using a teleporter to get to a place you already have access to strikes me as kinda ridiculous.

Heroes of Might and Magic V

I had a good idea of what I was getting into when I bought this, since way back I used to own number 3. I’d say the game hasn’t largely changed at all, few things added, few things taken out... the only big difference being the big graphics upgrade... Oh that and the fact that Undead rock.

It’s the year fantasy08 and the griffon empire is once again under threat, this time from Demons. It’s up to you to follow six campaigns with all the races and see what wacky hijinks they all get up to. The game is a straight forward turned based strategy game.... Oh no wait... My bad.... It’s an incredibly hard turned based strategy game. I don’t know what it is about the Heroes games but they have always kicked my ass. The story mode isn’t too hard so you’re bound to get through a fair amount of it... then the game decides you should have no base and the enemy should have 5... In a word it is unfair.

The trouble is you only get troops every seven turns, in your base, and movement over a big map can take five turns sometimes... so reinforcements for your main army can sometimes be few and far between. But if the enemy has more bases then you do, then after awhile, regardless how many spells or good luck you have, he’ll start to cut you down. Thus begins my age old tactic I use on any strategy game that decides it doesn’t want to play fair.... I base rape them. It really becomes your only option after awhile, because otherwise there is no way you’ll ever have enough troops to take him down.

Saying that it’s not a bad game.... It’s just one I’d prefer to play with people, who don’t move their units in a very robotic fashion (Whenever the Ai moves it actually feels robotic). Thankfully the Heroes team added a neat mode called hot seat, since this is a turn based game you only need one computer and so everyone can just switch chairs (or whatever you do) to play. This is a nice option I think more games should do, it shows you have a heart and soul and aren’t just trying to suck the moisture from our skins.

The story is... cute at times... in a sort of “Aww look at that, he gave one his characters a motivation” it’s not Shakespeare but it serves to move the game forward. Expect when you do the undead campaign cause Markal is a total bad ass.

"Griffin eternal? I say griffin undying!"
God he's stylish.

Lets Watch Viper's Creed: Part 4

What an Innocent looking child, I hope a terrorist doesn't kidnap her.

Terrorist: Terrorism....

Off Screen Scientist: OK, pay attention! This is important to the plot! The terror bots sometimes have two kinds of bombs, ones that go off now... and others that go stick to cars and go off later.

Guy: Question, why would they release the time delay ones when we can see them doing it? Wouldn't it make more sense just to... carry a bomb and place it somewhere without us knowing about it?
Off Screen Scientist: Because shut up.
Guy: Your just mad because James cut you out! Your character sucks!

Off Screen Scientist: He can't cut me out forever! I become important towards the end!
James: We'll see.
Norma: Eh, Pass.... I don't want to do this job.

Rudra: Huh, that's odd.... Norma doesn't usually pass up the chance to earn some money-

Sak: Oh my god! Rudra's head is upside down! He's possessed! Kill it with fire!

Once out of the room Norma begins to run very quickly.

Is... is that supposed to be money? Or gold? Why would Norma have this much gold on hand? I mean, the government doesn't let you have gold bar's now, I doubt they would start giving them out after the world floods.

Norma: Don't worry Mary, I'll save you....

Bad Guy: You got the money/gold/unknown form of currency?

Norma: It's all in this case... Just let the girl go.

Har: Oh hey Norma! What'ch doing? I- eh... Oh look at that, we have a website... Why did no one tell me we had a website?

Bad Guy: You brought a friend?!Then you both die!

This is a rather odd scene because the guy shoots at Har twice, then once at Norma... completely missing them despite being pretty much point blank range... Everyone just pauses awkwardly for a few seconds until the bad guy makes a run for it.

Saki detects that the plot is moving forward! Also he hears the gun shots.

Sak: Why did you call me down her? If bringing me to the bad side of town is your idea of a date-

Sak: Oh my god! Norma's been shot!...... I really hope this isn't your idea of a date Saki.

Doctor: I'm afraid Norma has come down with a bad case of Haud screen vicis....

Sak: What does that mean doctor?

Doctor: Well normally main characters are immune to bullets, but this only applies so long as they remain on the screen. Norma has had very little screen time, thus increasing the chances of getting shot off-screen.

Sak: So the only way to avoid getting shot is to be on the screen all the time?

Doctor: Oh that actually makes it worse, it's called the suspectus effect, after having too much screen time you'll actually start to attract bullets... I'm a writing a book on it.

Saki: Well so long as she'll recover... Oh by the way... There's this chick standing behind me... who is she and what is she doing here?

Doctor: Urr, Saki there's nobody there.

Saki: Oh no! It's happening again!

Saki: kate! Kate! KATE!!!!!

Norma: Ah! Who's screaming!

Sak: Don't get up! Your still hurt!

Norma: No.... I have to go....

Saki: Because the people who took Mary also have the bomb attached to their car.

Sak: What? How did you know that? Oh my god! You do have plot powers! We're you bitten by a radioactive director? Is that where your powers come from?

Saki: Urr.... No... The kidnapper's sent Norma this picture and that's the car our security system flagged.

Sak: Oh ok.... Wait, why do you have her phone? Did you take her stuff when you found her down that alley?

Saki:..... Sorry, my bad.

Norma: We have to save Mary... Because... She's my daughter!

Dun dun dun. In a surprise twist Norma is even more of a generic female character then I thought!

Terrorist: Well since the bitch didn't pay us she must not love the kid, and kid's without love should die. *Points his gun at Mary*


Terrorist: Ah! What the hell is that?

Bad guy: Boss!... There's a bomb on our car!

Terrorist: What? How the hell did we miss that?

Terrorist: Wait wait wait! I have a plan... It's madness.... but hear me out... We'll leave the bomb here with the girl.... But we'll leave.... so when it explodes we'll be somewhere else.

Bad Guy: That's crazy!

Norma: Don't worry Mary I'll get you out of here- Holy shit! What time is it? I'm gonna miss Grey's Anatomy!

KABO--ooomm... That was kinda of a pathetic explosion...

Norma: Finally it's over....

Gar: So considering this episode was about Norma... she didn't really get that much screen time...

Saki: Oh no she did, James just skipped most of her scenes cause he thinks she's a total tool.

Norma: Why does no one love me.....