Monday, 31 August 2009

The Bitter Old Man

Tea making is serious business. For those who truly appreciate the subtle art a good tea maker can either perfect the taste of the tea or completely ruin it, and it is said it can take a lifetime to become a true tea maker.

Wu-Long sighs in regret as yet again he fails to pour the tea perfectly. An old man now Wu-Long wished he’d spent more time learning how to make tea properly, because no matter what he did it always tasted bitter to him. Taking the tea with him outside he goes to throw its contents over the dirt when he notices a strange sight. A young boy was kneeling outside his door. Blinking for a few moments Wu-Long just turns to his side, throws the tea away and goes to walk back into his home.

“Please teach me!” The boy shouted as he bowed his head to the floor. Wu-Long stopped but did not turn back to face the boy.
“Go home child, I can teach you nothing but regret” The boy raised his face from the ground to look upon the back of the old man.
“I saw you! A year ago I was carrying water back to my home when I saw three bandits attacking you... you.. you were amazi-“ Wu-Long turned around sharply and stared the boy down with his deep brown eyes.
“What I did to those young fools is not praise worthy child... And while I commend you for reaching my home among these mountain tops I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you” looking the boy up and down Wu-Long could see he had struggled greatly to reach his home, but he would not show his sympathy for him.
“All I ask is that you train me to fight like you! I know you can do-“
“And what of it boy! What will you do once I show you the ancient art of Tou Casra? Will you challenge the other great masters of the world? Will you prey upon the weak? Will you follow you’re self deluded ideals of valour and honour? What will you do boy!” Taken back by the old man’s sudden sharp tone the boys resolve began to shake, but he had come to far not to try.
“I will protect my village! Every year our lord sends his goons to take our earnings, our food... sometimes our women! I want to be stronger! I want to protect them!”
“Hahaha! Boy... You ask the impossible! Oh it’s true I could make you stronger than any other man in this valley... but the power to protect? Such a power does not exist, and the sooner you learn that the better you’ll be.... Go home child, return to your peaceful yet troubled life... it is the best life you can hope for in this world” At that the boy snapped in rage and stood up, his fists clenched tightly.
“You crooked old man! I will not spend my days living in fear! You will teach me and I will protect my home!” for a moment there is naught but silence and the boy does not yet know if he has made a terrible mistake... but finally the old man smirks.
“Heh... You wish to live without fear? Then child I will teach you the greatest lesson you’ll ever learn... I doubt anyone else would teach this... perhaps because they have not learnt it either” The boy relaxes for a moment but tries to keep up a strong face “Very well child... I will teach you all the arts of Tou Casra... All of them, even the secret ones if you can pass one test...”
“Anything... Master!”
“Very well... Hmmm...” The old man circled the boy for a moment, gazing off into the distance, until finally he pointed towards a simple bush “Let us say that bush is your village... then let us say I have already taught you everything I know... So now you have the greatest strength in this entire land... I shall be a common raider, and as such cannot fight you... all you must do now is simply stop me from destroying your village” The boy quickly steps between the old man and the bush, raising his fists up, but then he is overcome by questions towards the test.
“But you are a master, I cannot physically stop you...” The old man only shook his head.
“As I said child... I am but a common raider, thus I can’t fight you at all” Watching the old man intensely the boy waited for any signs of his attack, scenarios of what the old man might try to do played back and forth through his head, but then suddenly the old man simply turned around and began to walk back to his house.
“Hey.... Hey! Where are you going?”
“Hmm? Oh, I was going to go make myself some tea”
“What? Aren’t you gonna try and attack the bush?” The old man simply turned his head and called back to the boy in a cold voice.
“I am”

With that the boy was left all alone in the cold, trying to protect a small bush from an attack that might never come. Luckily for the boy it did not take long for him to learn the answer to this lesson...

Even with all the power in the world... he still lived in fear.

Sunday, 30 August 2009

Relationships in Games

I read an interesting article today and it got me thinking about some of my own experiences in gaming.

The article relates to sex in gaming and how it’s portrayed as a reward rather than an addition to a relationship. Now I won’t discuss it word for word for you, because let’s be honest... if you’ve heard one rant you’ve pretty much heard them all. Anyway the article discus’s the recent game Mass Effect (I haven’t played it) which after making correct dialogue decisions you can be *rewarded* with a pg-13 sec scene. Now in the comments there’s the usually shift between the decay of moral society to girls be hoes anyway, but I wanted to go over my own experiences of game relationships.

Now I’ll remind everyone here that when I play a game I tend to... add more things to it using the power of imagination. Now don’t jump the boat and say “He thinks these girls are real!” Of course I don’t... I just yearn for a good romance story once in awhile.... which to be honest most games can’t pull off.

I think the first time I did this was while I was playing the first Neverwinter Nights, a role-playing fantasy game. Now the story was pretty straightforward and didn’t involve a romance for the players character at all, but you could hire a henchman to help you on your journeys. That’s when my character met the girl. A travelling bard with magical powers, they went from good partners to flirty to an unsaid love. Now my character had no way of knowing if she felt the same way, and thanks to all the danger they faced on a daily bases he had no time to find out. Then we reached the end game... finally the villain was un-masked and his lair discovered... but there was a danger that once they entered they would never leave. So my character did what he thought was right.

He left her behind.

This added nothing to the game itself, none of this romance actually happened (Although she was a bit flirty in her actual conversations) and by leaving her there I actually lowered my chances of successes significantly... But it made sense, I could tell that’s what my character wanted to do. So as he thought his way through horrendous hordes it wasn’t just about saving a city... it was about protecting the one he loved.

Now that was a good story.

I actually did it again when Neverwinter Nights 2 came out but it went very differently. Now all the characters were new, even the one I played so it could go either way. Now my character was a normal farm boy pretty much... but as a world of mysteries and magic opened up before him he met a rather perky thief girl. Honestly I think he had a crush on her at the very beginning, but it would only be later that he’d realise his feelings (Like whenever she got in trouble, or gave a silly but fun idea everyone else was against). But see it gets complicated cause there’s this other girl. No there’s no clue whatsoever she has feelings for you, she’s rather aloof and unresponsive, but as you learn more about her... the hints begin to drop. She’s en elf so she lives a long time right? Turns out she’s been watching you since you were a baby, and I realise with horror that she’s the crazy stalker girl my mother always warned me about (Hehe).

Now even though her feelings are a bit clear, my characters heart already belongs to another. Now he says nothing to either one, cause they sort of have a very important mission ahead of them, and he tries his best not to lead the other girl on. But then the thief girl disappears.

Now I can’t exactly remember how it went down, but I believe we didn’t find out she had been kidnapped until late in the game (I suspected it). But this sort of left my character... I like say vulnerable... you’ll see why. Now picture this, you’ve finally gathered an army to set against the apparently un-killable enemy... If there not stopped here then everyone in the country could very well die... That’s alot of pressure right? ... So when the other girl basically pours her heart out the night before everything goes to hell... what do you suppose he did?

I’m afraid he buckled. He slept with her. She was so relived afterward and let her heart gush out, giving him kissers and calling him her ‘love’.

But... He didn’t love her back. I felt horrible after this, and knew.... knew it could only get really really awkward later on.

Luckily there wasn’t alot of time he could brood over this cause it was epic fight time. So after defeating some hordes and reaching the villains lair we actually find the thief girl there. Now the bad guys controlling her and is going to make her kill us... But I wasn’t having that, and thanks to their strong bond she’s able to brake free and rejoin the gang. The bad guy then goes to a few of your companions trying to get them to turn against you, and while I did lose two... I wasn’t really that connected to them.... and they were kinda douchbags anyway. So no big loss there.

The battles finally over and the big beast is defeated, but the building begins to fall apart, and at the end... its unsure who made it out alive and who died...

Now thanks to the expansion pack I actually got to learn what happened to some of the characters. To my characters relief the thief made it out alive... but the other girl... she died protecting me from falling debris...

You have avoided awkwardness!
You got hit by shame! Critical hit!

Yeah... I felt kinda like a complete douche for feeling better about the thief’s survival then I felt bad for the other girls death... gripping stuff. If it makes you feel better at the end he basically gets no one and has to be a warrior *forever*. If you’re not happy with that, let me just say his fate could have been far far worse.

What’s interesting is that in the game there is no romance possible between you and the thief girl, and you’re clearly supposed to have a relationship with the other girl only. But come on... crazy stalker girl? Or a girl who likes to go out and have fun (and steal things)?

See how you deal with these situations in games depend solely on the player, the designer might have a clear idea how it’s supposed to go... but with a little imagination you can make it far more compelling and interesting then they were ever willing to make it. Do I see sex as a reward? No, I see it as a natural part of a deepening relationship... and something full of deep shame, Hahaha.

Friday, 21 August 2009

Hype: Anime Fall 2009

Hurray! Something to actually discuss and inform you about! The season of anime has been announced giving us new gems to look forward to. But James, didn’t you cover the last season not too long ago? Your right reader but this is the thing about the world of anime, it moves very fast and if you actually want to see the good ones then you’ve got to keep with it pretty constantly.

Well hopefully this new season will be better than the last one right? Japan would never just spill out the same old crap again would they?


Lets... Let’s just look at a few samples shall we?

Armed Librarians, Book of Bantorra

Honestly Japan are you just throwing ideas into a hat in a vain attempt to make something ‘original’? I mean this thing doesn’t have anything to do with literature, books are condensed soul’s or something stupid. A story about a normal man trying to save his library from crazy book burners would have been far more interesting... and it’s simple Japan! It doesn’t need magic powers at all!

Crazy I know!

Darker Than Black (season 2)

Now actually I really like Darker than Black, it’s got a pretty crazy surreal edge to it but I think it works rather well. Without saying too much the story is basically about these people with special powers called contractors, their called this because after using their powers they are overcome with the compulsion to do some small menial task... and that actually gives the powers and the characters a nice depth and makes them more interesting than they would be normally. My favourite so far is the man who could control gravity (Very powerful guy) but he had to break his fingers after using his powers... pretty cool.

If you’re looking into getting into anime and want to start on a little weird one then I highly recommend looking up the first season of Darker Than Black.

Romance of the Three Kingdoms

If you do not know the story of the three kingdoms then where the hell have you been exactly? Go away! Look it up! Then you can come back.

Do you do it? If you didn’t I’ll get Ma Chao to kill you...

Anyway, this seems like a long one that could be good... but... I’ve basically ruined it for you by making you look it up. This sort of thing falls into the batman category:
“That’s nice, but I already know how it ends”

Everyone dies!

The Scared Blacksmith

.... Reader... There is something we need to talk about. Take a look at that picture. Take a good look. What is wrong with it?

Those of you who said crazy hair colours, good try, A for effort. Those of you who said crazy outfits, your very close. Finally those who said “Retarded armour” You are correct.

If anyone dares ask what is wrong with the armour I will kill you. I will quite literally find out where you live and murder you. Everything is wrong with it! World! Look! The medieval was sexist! Stop trying to ignore that, it happened. There are two reasons armour was not made like that.

Number One! Women did not fight... ever! We all know why, and I don’t care if you call me sexist... The world is unfair, get over it.

Number Two! Because it would be f***ing retarded! Do you even know how armour works? Yes it’s a barrier to protect your weak flesh but there’s a very curial bit you’re forgetting. Deflection! Do you know why the breast plate is rounded? So that force of the flow can be deflected away from you! One blow to her middle and she’s dead. That’s not a joke or exaggeration , that armour is actually going to help her die. Well look at that your ribcage was shattered into your organs but at least you look good, right? RIGHT?!

I know it’s just a stupid anime but this has been going on for ages and it’s stupid! In order for fantasy worlds to grip the audience they need to be covered in a layer of reality to make it believable. When you do something stupid like this it breaks the immersion completely! GRRAA JAMES SMASH!

Fairy Tale

I actually read the manga of this and I’d say it falls nicely next to One Piece in just being simple straight forward fun. It’s all about the mage guild fairy tale and their wacky and heart warming adventures. The magic system makes little to no sense to me but I forgive it cause the fights are cool and the powers are neat. I’d say this one’s a solid bet.

One thing, the hair colours are gonna take some getting used to, since the manga is in black and white the hair colours seem normal... but in actual fact their way out there and crazy.


Stay the hell away from this reader! I cannot express to you how dangerous getting into one of these kinds of anime is. If you let this kind of genre into you that’s it... you have become a true anime fan, here’s your cat ears and panty shot album.

Now I have watched anime like this before... It was like some... twisted nightmare where everything was weird... and a voice in your ear tells you it’s alright. Do not listen reader, that is the voice of the broken and you don’t want anything to do with them. To give you an idea why this is bad for you, here is the synopsis, unedited just for you:
“Natsuru Seno, an ordinary high school boy, suddenly wakes up one morning to find he is a girl, as explained by a disembowelled plush tiger. Natsuru discovers that has he, or she, has been chosen to participate in Kampfer battles with other girls.”


Shin Koihime Musou

Her family dies, she is sad, vows revenge against all bandits and villains, gains friends. Yes... Because that sounds f***ing riveting. What she gonna do? Bat her eyelids menacingly at them?

I can’t help but feel the same question will pop up in this again and again

“Haha! I am evil”
“Ur... Why?”
“Because... I am evil! Haha! Hate and despise me!”

That answer only works if your Mumm-Ra.

Hell maybe I should watch it just so I can rip the piss. I'm going to use my powers to spread hate and vengence instead of using them to fix the socail problems that lead to villinay! Teehee! Also I love stuffing melons into my shirt! Yay for melons!

Jungle Emepror Leo

The hell?

Stitch 2

The f***?

Battle Spirits

God damn it! Why is there always a card game one! WHY!

Heres the full list

Thursday, 20 August 2009

Boredom and Delusions


Truly now I know why people get jobs, it’s not for the money, social benefits or even valuable life experience... it’s to give people something to F***ING TO DO! AHHH!

There’s this voice in my head going “You know James, this is the perfect opportunity to start on some of those book ideas... cause you and me know that your gonna have to start writing alot” and then I sit in a corner telling it to shut up and leave me alone... I appreciate the company but ever since the voice that told me to burn things left it’s never been the same...

But yeah maybe I should write down some notes, but you know what? It’s hard... and I’m really lazy. GAHH! Damn this paradox!... I’m pretty sure that word applies here...

I blame my friends of course, since naturally everything wrong in the world can be blamed solely on the people I know. I blame them mostly because I’ve moved back to the flat... and no one else is here...



Lately I’ve been reading some books of authors I admire and this time I’m actually looking at their techniques rather than just enjoying their writing, because as it turns out writing and reading at actually two very different skills... The best writers can do both, I imagine on the fly, but I don’t think I have any reading skills so I have to focus pretty hard. Anyway one of the most important things in writing is your tales beginning because you could very well be judged on your very first sentence... if you past that mark they might even go to read the next three paragraphs ( Which is apparently all a professional reader needs before learning if you suck or not).

The basic gist of the first sentence is that it has to be gripping, right off the bat you need to go to your reader and give them a reason they should carry on. An interesting thing however is that famous writers or sequel writers don’t tend to need to worry about this, because the reader already knows how good they are. To test this out I started reading the fourth book in a very good series and had a long good look at the first sentence.


MOTHER F*****!

It’s brilliant! Gah! We already know he’s good but... but... He does it anyway cause he’s a brilliant writer! Gah! That’s so annoying! Talent angers me! I should eat his flesh and gain his powers! ARRH!

First bloody sentence he gives us not only the staple for a first sentence, dead bodies and thus intrigue but he also gives a description and location! AHHHH! It’s like your some amateur painter new on the streets, you’re about to pick up your pen and paint that moon shine when that f***** Leonardo next to you paints the f***ing Mona Lisa! How the hell are you supposed to contend with that? Only murder comes to mind!


I suppose what I’m getting at is writing is a pretty intimidating career to be looking at. Honestly when you look up how long some of the best took to actually get their book published let alone written it can be pretty terrifying.

There’s also no reason you should have faith in my writing skills... read my stories for god sake... No! Really read them... ok.... God their awful aren’t they? I like to say this is because they are all first drafts... I’ve just written them up with barely any correction... but still their terrible.

I have no end of idea’s, that’s never been a problem... Some of them are pretty shallow but a lot of them could be easily taken and expanded into something fitting of a Norse legend or something. It’s just... I have the idea’s but none of the execution... that’s the bit I really need to work on.

Oh god... then there are the visuals in my head... Reader did you know I wanted to be an artist for a little bit? If only to get these things out of my head so I could actually show someone what’s going on up here... But that fell by the way side...

This is getting depressing isn’t it? Let’s move into funny time.

OK I was watching this new fantasy series on sci-fi (I’m not calling it by its stupid new name) and it was awful, but in that sort of good way cause it’s funny. However when I looked up the information on it I had to take a double take... turns out its actually based on a very good book I’ve read and as the show went on I could see it really was.

Now the reason this struck me is because the show portrayed the characters, but most of all the locations, in a very different light then I had imagined them.

Now the book is the wizards first rule by Terry Goodkind, the first one in an eleven book series (I’ve only read the first one) so it’s easy to see why someone would have a crack at making it a tv series. Before we carry on mind let me just say... Damn Terry... you into bondage much? If you ever read this book you’ll know the bit I’m talking about... hahaha.

Anyway the tv show has the three main characters running through the woods until they reach this giant wall of magic that separates these two countries... their trying to get through to stop the mad tyrant blah blah blah. Now reader... this is where I got a bit confused.... The hero was... well.... too young, I generally got the idea that he was a tried and tested woodsmen... the sort of man a young boy looks up to as an awesome role model... yet this guy was that young boy and I was like, the hell? The old man was fine I guess... he was old and a man... But it was the girl that struck me the most.

Reader... She was white?

I have honestly no idea when it happened... but the instant her character was introduced I imaged a brown skinned women from around central Asia... since this was a fantasy book lets say the sort of women you’d expect to meet during an Arabian night. Didn’t end there though reader, when it switched to the bad guy he was... a white guy in a very dull grey castle in some kind of English country side...

What the hell? That’s not what he looked like?... Was it?

I’ve had to actually go back and look up some things about the book and reader... I’m not even sure the places or characters were even described as the way I imagined them. I know its a cheap budget tv series but... but if the book had described the places and people as I imagined then... surely they would have at least left some of that intact?

Here’s a good test, here’s the cover... Does that girl look suspiciously white to you?

God, shows how much I pay attention to cover art doesn’t it?

Its just that... I imagined the main characters home to be that sort of scenic English green... my small castle in it may have been a bit more... prettier than the one they came up with... but the land and people beyond the barrier... I imagined them as being truly different... their cultural heritage and even their mannerisms completely alien and foreign for the main character, and so it was truly a journey to the unknown...

The tv show is just awful and is cancer for the imagination... and now I can’t help thinking... Did I read it right, or without knowing did I just ignore the actual description and make up my own, better one?

Friday, 14 August 2009

Review: Discount Games

What’s this? Some game reviews? James are you here to tell us about some current games?

Haha, of course not silly rabbit, I don’t have the money for such a thing. I am what you call a bottom dweller, rarely entering the surface to look upon games shrouded in light... No I find the ones discarded to the dark... unloved and now unwanted I snatch them away... There old keepers too uninterested to stop me.

By this of course I mean I tend to buy discount games.

I got these two games reader for £9 off of steam and if I had a credit card that worked online I’d probably have alot more of their discount games. But anyway lets take a look at Ghost Master and Dark Messiah.

Ghost Master

Well reader this is an interesting one, you have plenty of games about defeating ghouls and ghosts but there are few that reverse the sides. Ghost master is one of these and defiantly pulls it off.

Primarily a puzzle game it’s your job to position your ghosts so that they can scare the bejebas out of the people of the local town. Why? Because it’s funny, plus these pea brained mortals could do with a taste of the supernatural. The game does a quite a bit of humour about it and if I knew more about some classic horror films I’d probably get more of the references and jokes, but they’re there for people to find.

Scaring people is easy enough but it’s when you need to work out how to free other ghosts that the real puzzles begin. Ghost Master is defiantly that kind of puzzle game where you need to start thinking along the lines of designers, and working out their thought patterns can take a bit of trial and error.

Later on in the game the locals start hiring people to protect them from your harmless pranks (I only electrocuted them a little... and I’m sure they’ll get over being on fire) and this is where you need to start being on your toes, cause if one of your ghosts is exorcised he’ll be gone for that level.

The ghosts themselves are a right bunch of characters and for some reason my favourite so far is the cheerleader mirror ghost... it’s not really her I like but rather the idea of a mirror ghost, her powers are pretty cool.

Overall I’d say a pretty solid game so long as your into a bit puzzling and scaring.

Dark Messiah, Might and Magic

Well I read some reviews before getting... Well I lie I read like little bits but overall I got the impression people didn’t really like it cause of its bugs and while I’ve had some major lag here and there... I’ve forgiven it cause it’s really fun.

Its geared up like your usual fantasy fest, with swords, magic and orcs etc, but put that all aside for a moment while we look at some of the unique things it does. First of all it has a physics engine... I know everyone does... But you know what? Screw those other ones for one simple reason.

In this game you can kick shit.

I can not quite express how awesome that is. Just picture your fighting some dude and his friend starts running to cut you up, what shall you ever do? I know! Lets kick that first mother f***** through the window and then throw a box at the other guy. Hahaha! Some planks in your way? Just kick through them cause your badass. When you’re able to brake alot of shit just with your foot it results in a pretty sweet game.

The game also includes alot of little features which aren’t needed, but I DO appreciate. The first one would be that when you look down you can see your feet, but this game goes a step further... by that I mean when you turn your head your sword arm stays where it is until you turn too much... So it’s very immersive which I like. The bow rope is sweet cause if you find a wooden plank above you you can fire an arrow with a rope on it, letting you climb up.

Anyway the game is about your character training under a wizard until you need to set off on your own adventure about discovering lost relics etc. The story is pretty straight forward with its mysterious past and talk of destiny but I like it. You also get a side kick in the form of a demon girl that lives in your head, she merely gives you advice or mocks your poor taste in clothing... plus I think she’s eating your soul or something but I can’t be sure yet.

I know alot of people out there dislike this sort of thing after awhile, they tend to get sick of the harassment or the constant talking... but it doesn’t bother me, mostly because I already talk as my character while I’m playing and another character just gives me someone to talk to rather than myself. According to my friends this is an odd thing to do but screw those guys.

There’s one more thing I feel makes the combat the best as it can be and its actually the shit talking from your enemies. I don’t like it when my enemies don’t talk back... it’s too robotic and uninteresting... But if they shit talk to you while fighting then it gives ample opportunity for witty lines from me, which just make the experience better. Take these for example:

A raider is talking to his friend and mentions that one of the slaves foretolled he’d die this day and chuckled. I then shouted “Urr... Spoliers!” and when he turned around to attack me he unfortunately exploded.

Another time I was one a boat and a necromancer came around the corner and said in his slithery tone “You will die horr-“
“Shit! A necromancer!” I then kicked him off the boat and he drowned.

Sneaking across buildings into a warehouse I come upon two heavily armed raiders. Thinking quickly I pick up a barrel to throw at them before running over and stabbing them alot. Only problem was when I threw it it broke the floor and they fell down and died. I was like “Not what I intended but I’ll take it!... Shit more guards!”

I think the funniest time was when I was in an ancient temple killing goblins when I spied two standing near a large statue, similar to one I’d seen fall over already. Smugly I attacked them making sure to stay out of the statues falling path, and they squeezed their way into a small hole shouting and screaming “It’ll kill us!” But I wasn’t being fooled. Naturally the statue fell down and I laughed, but then the wall started to buckle and I moved away quickly. A moment later a semi indestructible Cyclops burst through the wall and proceeded to smack the crap out of me. I considered it to be poetic justice.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Back In Town

Hello again reader! So nice to see-


Shut up!

Urr... Man... Do your holidays involve doing nothing? Just, I dunno... Getting a tan? God that would be sweet. But I can never have that reader, my mind has been warped with a different expectation of what a holiday is.

A true holiday to me involves getting up early, visiting every destination I can until midnight and eating. So much food... It’s everywhere... You’re not hungry but you KNOW it is time to eat and so you do.

There’s a saying in my family that goes along the lines of “That holiday was great... now if only we could have one to recover from it”.

You’re probably a bit interested in what I did, where I went and generally what happened over my holiday but... Not gonna tell ya. There’s alot of tourism to be had in Penang but I got that out of the way pretty much by the time I was ten so now me and the family go to places tourists would never be allowed. You would not believe the treatment we get over there, if a tourist came over and asked if they can join in on this ceremony or whatever they’d be kindly told to f*** right off... Yet me and family get put on the front page of the damn local newspaper for joining in.

That is how ace we are.

(I have to find that picture... it’s pretty awesome, heh)

Anyway, overall a pretty sweet holiday, but now and back and it’s time to get to writing again. I’m gonna try and do some short bits of some things I’ve seen, we’ll see how that goes.

The Mummy 3



Its... ok?

My main complaint against the movie would have to be the family crises thing... What the hell? Pointless much? I know this is a family film and all but that doesn’t mean you have to put in family drama. The first film had the romance angle and that worked because it interlocked with the story nicely and sort of strangely became a love triangle between the main characters and the mummy. The family drama on the other hand feels forced, like it was put in there just so that they could tick it off on the chart.

I don’t give a crap if your son is being a little bitch I want to see the emperor set more things on fire! The special effects on the mummy were a plus for me, it was very cool seeing his mouldy face only for it to be covered in red hot clay... bet that’s fun.

One thing about Jet Li... Not a brilliant actor really, is he? Watch the Chinese film Warlords... my god... he’s amazing. The trouble with his English films is that English is not his first language and after all this time he’s not really gotten better at it... But put him where he’s comfortable and he’s brilliant. The mummy film doesn’t show off his talents and I really suggest you go see Warlords to see how good he actually is.

Finally, before I talk only about this, who was the bad guy exactly? I know were supposed to think it’s the emperor because he’s against freedom and justice... and, wait... hold on... We don’t actually get that impression at all. This is a very American thing to do, suggest that freedom is at stake and you have your villain regardless if it actually makes sense. Let’s do an overview, the emperor wants to be immortal and take over the world... Why exactly is this a bad thing? I dunno about you but I’ve done the math and having an immortal leader ruling the world actually solves alot of problems. He wouldn’t even run it, that’s what governors and crap are for, so basically the world order is him doing whatever he likes and life carrying pretty much the same as it has always done... What’s he going to do? Revert the world to how it was in ancient china? He’s power hungry, not mad.

So now that we know his ideals aren’t evil let’s move onto his personal actions. Ok he called dibs... and the general not only betrayed his emperor he betrayed his man honour. Ladies this is how it works, if your friend declares dibs and hasn’t been shot down yet the girl is off limits. If you bang the girl before your friend has been turned down you are a douche. I expect you to be killed in the modern age for doing this rather than in ancient china... so honestly what the hell did he expect? And another point... he is the emperor, so he can do whatever he likes... and I seriously doubt killing someone’s loved one is the worst thing he has done. Yet this is the thing that’s supposed to make him out as the worst person ever?

True Blood


That pretty much sums up what I think of this series. Look, vampires are shit. They have been shit for a long time. And having a skin condition that results in you bursting into flames as soon as the sun rises is not an attractive trait. Do you know what vampires would be like if they were real?

They would be really boring.

Have you ever sat down and thought about what it would be like to live forever? It gets boring alot faster than you think it would. First you do everything you’ve ever wanted to do. Okay done... That took like, what? 200 years let’s say? What do you do now? Well I guess you could learn to play every instrument in the world? Done. Urm... You could... Join an extreme sport? Done.

You see where I’m going with this? Living forever is awful and honestly I’d expect old vampires to just... commit suicide just so that they can escape from it all. Why would you ever be interested in a love life?

Ok you could go out with a mortal... Oh she’s dead. Wellllll.... I guess we can solve that by making her a vampire too, because true love will last forever right? But hold on... Have you even discussed the sorts of things you like? Go back a moment and look up a vampire film or novel and I can assure you that the stages of building a normal relationship do not exist, it’s all f****** moon song or flying through the air or some shit. If you haven’t taken the time to find out if you actually like her rather than the idea of her then she’s only going to become a whiny bitch after 20 years... no 5 years after you stop trying to romance her. Let’s say you have a real relationship going on, honestly how long do you think that will last? Humans live only 100 years if their lucky, love has not been tested for more than that. Some relationships can be broken by one action and living longer merely increases the chances of that happing.

Congratulations, you’re stuck with a whiny bitch forever.

I haven’t even mentioned anything about this show yet have I? It’s basically porn. No really, lots of sex. Frankly... it’s a porno with a higher budget then other ones. Thus it suffers from god awful writing.

Get this right the main character, this blonde girl with a horrendous accent can absently read minds, she has no control over it. Why the writers felt this should be added is beyond me, wasn’t our angle vampires instead of psychics? Anyway vampire shows up in town and she starts crushing on him for the reason... get this... she can’t hear his thoughts! Hoho, maybe the writers are smarter then I think... Maybe they did notice that vampires are incredibly unlikable characters and had to throw in something to go around that. Ha. But no its still terrible and it really is for girls... As far as I can tell their the only people who still like vampires... other than boys who wish they were girls.

Besides I quickly worked out why she can read minds. She has no brain so other people’s thoughts just fly into her empty head.

..... She’s very stupid....