Lets Play The Warriors of Heaven and Earth: Part 1

DM: Long ago in ancient china a battle of good verses evil became legend....

DM: These are the tales of... The Warriors of Heaven and Earth!

DM: You find yourself wondering through the desert-

Lai Xi: Hey, can I be a samurai?

DM: What? No! This is ancient china, not ancient japan.

Lai Xi: Oh come on, I already put his race down as Japanese anyway.

DM: Eh... Errh... Fine whatever.

DM: As you look across the sun scorched-

Lai Xi: Also he's a bounty hunter.

DM:.... Why would a Japanese bounty hunter be in china?

Lai Xi: I dunno, your the DM.

DM: Grh. Fine. You work for the Chinese government.

Lai Xi: Alright-

DM: But they won't let you go back to Japan, and you have to look after your daughter all the time... and your f***ing miserable.

Lai Xi: Awww.....

*New Player*: Can I join in now?

DM: Yeah, what's your character?

Li: He's lieutenant Li of the Chinese army.

DM: Oh alright that actually fits in well-

Li: But his fellow soldiers were corrupt and evil! He killed like six of them and became an outlaw!

DM: What? No!

Lai Xi: As a bounty hunter I make it my life's goal to hunt down Li!

DM: Wait, did you guys plan this ahead?

Lai Xi:.... Yeah we kinda did.

DM: You could have fricken told me before I started the game!

DM: Whatever... Ermm... Lai, you and your daughter find yourself in a seedy town looking for Li-

Lai Xi: Can I see him?

DM: No!
DM: Anyway, as your about to enter the inn you see a thug attacking a young man for some reason, what do you do?

Lai Xi: Alright, I turn to him, and I punch his sword out of his hand.

DM: What? How are you gonna pull that off?

Lai Xi: Oh I took some Monk levels too.

DM:... Fine, but the chances are still pretty l-




Lai Xi: Boom! Natural twenty!

DM:.....
DM: A man behind you claps a bit and comments-

Lai Xi: Is it Li?

DM: No!

Lai Xi: Ah! It must be a villain! I throw my Katana through his neck!

DM: Shut up! No you don't! You go into the inn and you go to sleep!

Lai Xi: What on the floor?

DM:.... Yes on the floor!

DM: Meanwhile a column of soldiers are leading a group of monks through a desert-

*New Player*: Oh, this is where I come in?

DM: Yeah, what's your characters name?

*New Player*: Urr... Dunno.... Just call him Jake.

DM:.... You can't be called Jake your Chinese....

Jake: Nah it's totally cool, I took the half-European template.... But I still look Chinese.

Lai Xi: Hey, does this mean were getting a small army and a bunch of Monks?

DM:......



DM: They all die in a sandstorm.

DM: Except Jake who has to live with the fact all his friends are dead.

Jake: Aww, I'm sad now....


DM: Over the dune a mysterious figure-

Lai Xi: Is it Li?

DM: Yes it's f***ing Li!

Li: I make a cool check!

DM: What?

Li: I want to make a check to see how awesome I look.

*Rolls a 4*



DM: You trip, cause your a tard....

Jake: Oh shit, am I like the cleric? Do I heal him?

DM: What? How do you not know?

Jake: To be honest I haven't filled out my sheet yet.... But I'll roll a heal check...

DM:... Look you cant roll until you have a character sheet, ok?

Jake: Fine, I go over to any surviving Camels and kill one.

DM: What?

Jake: I then drain it's blood into a bowl.

DM: Why the hell would you do that?

Jake: Urr, cause camels have fast healing 1? Duh? I feed the blood to Li.



DM:..... He chokes on it cause it's f***ing camel blood!

DM:... Anyway, along with the camels you find one of the monks survived the sandstorm as well and you all start-

Lai Xi: Am I there too?

DM: NO!