Steam Games: Part 2

Mass Effect

I know what you’re thinking.... James where is the 2? Surely this is a review of the second game right? You wouldn’t review the first just as the second one is out would you? Only a total dweeb would do that. Well come closer, I have a clever retort for thee.









Monkeys told me to!

Anyway moving on, it’s the year future08 and mankind has moved into space where it met a bunch of aliens. We shot them, they shot us, we all laughed about it for awhile and now were on the fore front of being accepted into a small but powerful council at the heart of this space land. Some shit blows up and it’s your job to track down the culprit by... and I’m not joking... searching the entire galaxy for very vague clues as to his whereabouts.

Suffice it to say you don’t need me to tell you the story, because that’s half the fricken game and I’m sure you’d rather be playing it then reading about it. Anyway the shooting is fun, the abilities are cool, and for the love of god if it’s your first time playing pick the vanguard class... I’m serious... the others suck balls. A part of you has to enjoy rpg’s to get into this... it’s not about sorting through the equipment, only lazy people complain about that sort of thing, no you need to be the sort of gamer who actually looks forward to just talking to people... There were times in the game I just thought “Man, I hope this level is short so I can go talk to someone” if you come in with that mind frame you’ll probably enjoy the game alot. The shootings still fun though.

Spoilers

Something weird happened with my character, I made a woman (Don’t judge me) but for some reason she looked and acted exactly like Captain Janeway from star trek voyager... Hell I even convinced myself she sounded like Janeway. It wasn’t too bad for most of it, but I did get the short sex scene you can get... and... It was weird ok.

I didn’t like Ash. Whenever I went on a mission with her I’d be talking to an alien and right on cue... Ash opens her goddamn face. It’s like, I know I’m a cop but to alot of these aliens I’m representing the human race, so what sort of impression do I get hanging around Ash? After awhile I stopped bringing her racist ass on any missions. My super team was T (Screw you, I’m not going to try and say her name) and Wrex cause he was a badass. We all had shotguns. It was a blood bath.

Then near the end you have to decide, does Garry live (was that his name?) or does Ash? And I couldn’t stop laughing.

“Hahaha! You think your making me choose don’t you game? Hahaha! I bet you reckon I’m gonna sit here and think about this, Ha!” I could not press Garry fast enough. F*** you Ash, you’re a nice girl but a terrible person.

Overall the story was ace, I couldn’t really see any problems with it. Except one thing. Basically the bad guy’s plan is to raise an army so he can attack the big space centre and use it’s hidden function to summon forth a race of horrible death machines. In order for the attack to go really well he went around looking for clues to this teleporter that would take him close to where the control panel was, he burned like a whole planet to find one of these clues thus alerting everyone that he was a douche bag.

But the guy... was already a spectre, highest authority... so... couldn’t he have just snuck into the main control panel while most people were asleep? Maybe use a small elite team to hold it until enough death machines come through? Using a teleporter to get to a place you already have access to strikes me as kinda ridiculous.

Heroes of Might and Magic V

I had a good idea of what I was getting into when I bought this, since way back I used to own number 3. I’d say the game hasn’t largely changed at all, few things added, few things taken out... the only big difference being the big graphics upgrade... Oh that and the fact that Undead rock.

It’s the year fantasy08 and the griffon empire is once again under threat, this time from Demons. It’s up to you to follow six campaigns with all the races and see what wacky hijinks they all get up to. The game is a straight forward turned based strategy game.... Oh no wait... My bad.... It’s an incredibly hard turned based strategy game. I don’t know what it is about the Heroes games but they have always kicked my ass. The story mode isn’t too hard so you’re bound to get through a fair amount of it... then the game decides you should have no base and the enemy should have 5... In a word it is unfair.

The trouble is you only get troops every seven turns, in your base, and movement over a big map can take five turns sometimes... so reinforcements for your main army can sometimes be few and far between. But if the enemy has more bases then you do, then after awhile, regardless how many spells or good luck you have, he’ll start to cut you down. Thus begins my age old tactic I use on any strategy game that decides it doesn’t want to play fair.... I base rape them. It really becomes your only option after awhile, because otherwise there is no way you’ll ever have enough troops to take him down.

Saying that it’s not a bad game.... It’s just one I’d prefer to play with people, who don’t move their units in a very robotic fashion (Whenever the Ai moves it actually feels robotic). Thankfully the Heroes team added a neat mode called hot seat, since this is a turn based game you only need one computer and so everyone can just switch chairs (or whatever you do) to play. This is a nice option I think more games should do, it shows you have a heart and soul and aren’t just trying to suck the moisture from our skins.

The story is... cute at times... in a sort of “Aww look at that, he gave one his characters a motivation” it’s not Shakespeare but it serves to move the game forward. Expect when you do the undead campaign cause Markal is a total bad ass.

"Griffin eternal? I say griffin undying!"
God he's stylish.